Hello Old friend

It's been a while since I've blogged just been caught up in school, and work and all the fun stuff in between!
Life's pretty grand if I do say so myself. And I actually don't mind school shockingly! Except midterms are coming up next week.. I should be studying for that right now but when all your work is online a girls bound to get distracted.
Im really excited for this weekend because of the Imagine Dragons concert, Alissa is coming up and CLINT COMES HOMEEEE. When Addison came home it was like he never even left. It was great. So im really anxious and excited to see Clint! Saying bye to Seth was sad. But I've never been more excited for anyone to go out for him and Jenny! Probably the best two missionary's The Philippines and Guatemala is getting. Hands down.
On the other hand we drop off David at the airport on Wednesday and im not very stoked about it. He's been coming over a lot recently and last night we talked for a while and later on he left to go hang out with some people, and as he was leaving it and I said " see ya later" it  really hit me that I only have a few more days with him. I know he's not dying or anything but it's hard because he wont be around anymore.
Im actually really jealous of the people who have their best friends on missions. Two years or 18 months is a long time, but at the same time they go by fast without realizing it. So at least they know when they get to see them again. I don't know when I'll see mine and I really wish I did.
I miss Janet a lot. And not a day goes by that I don't think about what I would be doing if she was still here. Lately I randomly go to text her even though I know there's no response.
But im honestly so lucky to have friends that will be there for me not matter what. Even if im just having a bad day, go get starbucks or come over to talk simple things like that. My friends are seriously the best and im so lucky to have them.
Anyways I just love music lately. It's my stress reliever in a way.
Some lyrics are just so accurate, I want to write them all over my body and on every social media networking site so everyone can listen but at the same time I want to keep it to myself like my own secret hiding place.? Idkkk. I just like nice lyrics:)
Speaking of music IMAGINE DRAGONS THIS WEEKEND.
Best part, it's free.
Well im going on a date to it.
Funny thing is the guy im going on a date with a guy I met at a dance foreverrrr ago.
Not a big deal, but I met him because an old friend dared me to make out with someone at a dance so I "married" him (the dance was Vegas theme so Elvis married people) so I basically made out with him in front of a bunch of people and now we are going on a date. hahahaha
And the RADICAL SOMETHING CONCERT IS NEXT WEEK.
I don't care who you are I want someone to go with me because my friends are to lame to go! So im serious anyone come with me I LOVE THEM.
Well im gonna try to blog more and sorry this is such a random post but I have work tomorrow, school, and a 5 hour dance practice so im off. later gators!:)

"are you happy?" is such a difficult question. 
I always say yes because I have an amazing family. I have friends, I laugh at jokes. 
I go out a lot and have fun, my life isn't' as bad as it could be, and I don't' have terrible problems. 
It could be worse, a lot worse. But it's not at all. 


But then some nights around 2 AM when im alone, still awake, lying in bed, thinking about life, I find myself crying my heart out.

suddenly I convinced myself that nobody likes me, 
nobody will ever like me. 
I feel horrible and I question everything I had 
and I don't know if I was ever happy at all.

We assume happiness is what happens outside of you but it's not.
Whether you are happy or not is a question of how you think and feel, and has nothing to do with the reactions of others unless you decide to live with that false belief. 

Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel happy, and sometimes I feel both at the same time.

I feel a bit like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

The other day I was babysitting and we watched Alice In Wonderland.

Everyone knows the part where she follows the rabbit into the rabbit hole but it made realize how strangely the scene related to my life.

At first Alice goes into the rabbit hole and she struggles a little, it's dark she has no idea where she is going and falls,

Once she's falling she starts to slow down, 

Then she see's a little switch that turns on a light,

she starts to discover things at one point she see's herself in a mirror upside down,

she has a few moments when she's falling that she falls quick and unexpectedly,

once she's done falling she then again follows the rabbit into a room with one door and has no idea where that door is gonna lead her to.

That's exactly the point I am at in my life.

My dark point was the end of last year when I lost two really important people to me in life, I was struggling it was dark and I hit rock bottom.

My slow down scene was my numbing phase I stopped caring about everything and everyone in my life.

I really didn't care, Sometimes I didn't feel like living. Not to the point where I wanted to commit suicide or anything like that, just to the point where I wanted to stop and go away, be calm and happy.

And that little light switch I found was a friend I made towards the end of last year and we became really close, like who would have thought we would have become friends?! And I don't  even think that person knows how much of an effect they had and helped me out. Better yet I haven't told them.

I started to discover new things, made new friends I started to discover myself. Which is really cliche but really. 

My reflection was the drastic change I had made in life since then.

And those quick drops are the little things that get to me every once in a while, because after a while they do and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better but you have to keep going.

And right now I have no idea where the next chapter, or "door" in my life is gonna take me. I got rid of a few people and talked to a few old ones, and now im just gonna let it lead me to wherever this road takes me, because im curious and,

"Curiosity often leads to trouble."-Alice

You're entitled to your own opinion, sit and shake your head at my decisions.

Hello fellow blog stalkers,
It's been a while so I have a lot to say and a lot has been going on. 
Life's been pretty grand so far but lately I've just learned a lot about myself and a lot about others.
When you think of "Best friend" what do you think?
A few that come to my mind are..
-Someone you trust.
-Someone who will always be there for you
-Someone who's a homie and has your back.
-Someone who doesn't judge you
The most important thing for me is someone who will stick around by your side, no matter what.
and in all honesty I've had a lot of best friend but there's only one person who i can clearly say they are my best friend without a doubt, yeah we may get bugged with each other but when it comes down to it that person has been there for me no matter what.
I've trusted to many people with lot of things and at one point we just stop being friends or they just go ahead and use it against me. 
It's sad how a few people were once a huge part of my life and no they are just gone.
It's sad how much I've come to realize how many fake friends I have, if you don't want to be a part of my life then go ahead and walk right out.
I could honestly care less if someone doesn't like me.
Go ahead take the time out of your day to talk bad behind my back or even to my face. 
Doesn't phase me at all.

to all my "friends"

For kicks and giggles.

My favorite. 

These made me laugh, I hope they made you laugh too.

Feel free to click the follow button if you have a blog!

After A While

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between holding a hand, and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain, for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

You really are strong.

You really do have worth,

and you learn and you learn,

with every goodbye, you learn.

-veronica a. shoffstall

Take Me To..

 I want to go on a road trip. 

Nowhere in particular. 

Just drive,

 take random turns and pictures and never ask for directions.

This has got to be the worst case of wonderlust. 

I want to get out of here with no plan in mind, 

Just me. Some chill music. And good company. 

a big old, run-down pick up truck. 

The kind that still plays mix tapes (the authentic kind) and also CD's. 

I don't care where I go I just want to get in it and go.

Just go.

Fast too.

Fast so i can feel the breeze that walks hand in hand with all the other cliches.

I want to bring a journal or notebook so I can write everything down.

I want to go to music festivals and meet the locals of every town and vist landmarks.

The most major and interesting ones, and the silly ones just for fun.

Because yesterday I learned something, and this truth made me realize how badly I ache to get out and go.

Luckily I don't have to wait that long. 

16 days till MACKLEMORE.

I can't wait.

"Everybody has got to take a roadtrip, at least once in their lives.Just you & some good music."

Fake it till you make it.

These past few days I've been sorta in and out. Like im there, but im not. I can't decide whether im tired, sad, or mad. And in a way I feel numb. There are so many things running through my head.
And it's like lately I've been faking my happiness a lot,
like maybe if I fake it long enough I'll start to believe that I really am happy.

"It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or just shrug my shoulders at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life, and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or what they didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know, I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. 

Because it's okay to feel things."

Left With A Heartbreak And A Memory.

I try not to let it sink in but it does.
My stomach is in knots.
It's a feeling of like a hundred rocks in my stomach.
I literally want to vomit.
It's a hurt words can't begin to describe.
I don't want to be alive I just want this feeling to stop.
I break down in the most random moments.
And part of me feels so alone and empty.
And then I remember I have so many people who care about me, but why is it when you need someone the most nobody is there.
If it wasn't for my mom I would be feeling so much worse then I do now. She's so understanding with what I'm going through I can't thank her enough.
I know that even though I'm going through all this heart break and I think I need him back the person I need the most is him.
But sometimes I don't feel like I deserve gods help, like im not worthy because I put so much before him at times.
But he loves me, I know he does.
And he lays out all these trials in my path for a reason, because he knows im strong enough to handle it,
I believe God has a different plan for me and I may not see it now but I trust in him everything will be alright in the end.

"God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. 

All you need is faith.♡"

-Joel 2:25

Constant battle.

There is a constant battle in my head between remembering and forgetting you,
I hate how it just pops up in my head randomly because the tears come so easily.
And then it hits you so much harder then you ever thought it would..
I did what I finally needed to do,
threw away the flowers you gave me,
the teddy bear and gifts you got me are now somewhere in my garage,
torn photos and notes all put away in a box.
I feel dumb because I should have done this a long time ago but it's so hard for me to let go.
And it's so sad to think we promised we would never act like we did't know each other, and that we would always care, no matter what.
And im mad at myself for not being mad at you,
as much as I should be mad at you for leaving me for her, I don't.
As much as I know I should hate her, I don't. She won fair and square.
And as much as I know I should never give you my time of day and not even waste my breath on you I wish you were still my best friend.
And because I think that way, I can't help but think there is something wrong with me.
I should hate you,
you took something from me that i'll never get back,
you were my first love,
and I know one day I'll fall in love again and maybe it'll be the guy of my dreams,
but it's never going to be the way I loved you.
And I wish I could make you understand how much you really mean to me.
And one day I hope you look back at what we had, and regret every little thing you did to let it end.
You might think I'm weak,or pathetic for thinking about you still, but you're wrong,
I actually cared.

Blackhole

I hate myself.
I'm sick to my stomach and feel like I literally want to vomit.
My head hurts,
my stomach is in knots,
I want to just stab something,
I've never hurt so bad then I do now,
I want to scream, 
and i feel like I can't stop crying,
I don't understand how I could have thought so much of someone and have them be the complete opposite,
How I gave someone everything and come to find out every little thing was a lie,
I've never been with someone who acts like you're their everything and minutes later drops you like you meant nothing to them,
How i can be a here feeling so worthless and Im not running through your head once,
It's not fair that Im here hurting and your're perfectly fine and moved on,
I want to pack up my things and just leave here to get away from one stupid person.
I get on my knees every night and pray so I don't have to think of you
and it hasn't gotten any easier.
I don't wanna give you the satisfaction of controlling my emotions.
All your friends need to leave me alone and stop sending me and my firends pictures of what you are up to, and who you are with, it's so immature.
Grow up.
I know it didn't mean anything to you but it did to me. 
Ahh, I just wanna scream!
All men are the same.
I'm so done with everything.
You're not gonna hold me back anymore.

p.s. sorry had to vent.

Addicted to the songs lyrics that spill out your heart.

I'm sorry, I'm really a mess right now 
I'm trying my best to get it together somehow 
I can't see this way, locked up in this pain that you left me
I'm unraveling, looking for things that'll never be

Stars fade away they just crash into space
Disappear from the light like you and I

Tell me where love goes when it's gone 
Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong 
Suddenly someone is no one 
I've come 
Undone, undone, undone
Undone, undone, undone 

I'm sorry, I let me fall for you
I can erase you and forget you but I can't undo you
You're the hand I can't hold, the words I'm not told when I'm lonely
And I don't want you back, I just want to have what you took from me

Stars fade away they just crash into space
Disappear from the light like you and I

Tell me where love goes when it's gone
Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong
Suddenly someone is no one 
I've come
Undone, undone, undone

I'll come around again
I know it's not the end
But right now I've got nowhere to begin
To begin

Tell me where love goes when it's gone
Tell me where hearts go when they go wrong
Suddenly someone is no one 
I've come
Undone, undone, undone

Nothing but emptiness inside
Love leaves a black hole where it dies
How can I ever love again, I've come
Undone, undone, undone
Undone, undone, undone
Undone, undone

Suddenly someone is no one.

I don't understand how you can smile all day and cry yourself to sleep at night.
How pictures don't change but the people in them do.
How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy becomes your best friend.
How forever turns into a few short months you would do almost anything to get back.
How you can let go of something you once said you could never live without.
How even though you know something is best for you, it hurts just the same.
How the people who once wanted to spend every second of their time with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare.
How people make promises despite how common it is for promises to be broken.
How people can erase you from their lives just because easier than working it out. 
I'm sorry, I let me fall for you
I can erase you and forget you,
but I can't undo you.

I literally have been sitting here for the last like hour trying to think of what to write.
I usually blog when i get inspired by something or I'm hurt or missing someone or just had a great week or mad or whatever.
It's like my online diary that I don't write in everyday.
But last week was sorta rough in a way I can't even understand myself,
It's like I want to write about how I feel but don't know how to begin to describe it.
I'm not sure if it's because of Syd's passing,
or the fact that it's been 7 months since the last time I saw my best friend,
or because that one person I could turn to for everything is not in my life anymore.
I got home from church today and had a text, when I saw who it was from I was disappointed,
and it's not like I'm waiting for a specific person to call or text me, It's not like it's some guy I want to talk to or anything. It's a weird feeling, but If I had to chose a word to describe it I guess I would say I feel empty.
And maybe I'll understand one day why I feel the way I do, but that's not today.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

God took another Angel Home.

How somebody can leave your world in a blink of an eye, and be gone, forever.
It's to enormous to think about and it's to hard.
God works in such mysterious ways, 
it's crazy to think that someone so happy as she, could take her own life.
She was so sweet and talented that my heart literally aches.
I already shed tears but a big part of me feels so sad and empty.
I can only imagine what her family and her best friend feel,
this brings back those feelings of when I lost Jay.
It's so tragic.
Crazy how what she would write in her blog I could relate to so easily because I knew exactly what she was going through.
But not once did I think of taking my life over it.
It's crazy what heart break can do to a girl.
This opened up my eyes a lot. 
It made me realize how grateful I am for everyone I love. 
Never again will i take my time with someone for granted.
I'm not the type to open up and talk about how thankful I am for everyone.. 
No one expected this today, it was a complete shocker. 
But Sydney doesn't want to make us all feel sad. 
She wants us to be happy. 
I pray for her family and close friends. 
I pray for anyone who is hurting inside. 
It breaks my heart to see a beautiful angel leave this earth so early, 
but I know everything happens for a reason. 
Rest in peace Sydney Taylor Bruning. 
You will be missed by many.
Say Hi to Jay, Dave and Jos for me. ♡

Not worth the struggle, the hurt, or the trouble.

He broke up with you right? 

After telling you he loved you and calling you names like baby and cutie? 

Yeah. 

I know he lavished you in compliments,

only to put himself down so you would stroke his fakely ego.

Did he tell you that you were beautiful? 

I bet he promised you a personalized song. 

Or maybe he'd always mention how he was lying in bed and wished you were there.

He dragged "I love you" out, didn't he?

Yeah, don't deny it.

He would talk to you last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

He constantly mentioned losing sleep over you, 

every night,

but we both know he slept like a rock. 

He made you love pictures that were just sort of "blah" before. 

Did you delete those pictures after he broke your heart? 

Yeah, me too. 

All of your friends hate him now, don't they? 

Remember how happy they were for you? 

They warned you. 

Just remember, 

it's okay to cry. 

And referring to him as "asshole" is perfectly expected. 

Because, trust me, 

you'll end up talking about him just as often, 

if not more, 

than before.

There will be the "one time"s and "I remember"s, 

and once you think you're over him, 

watch out. 

You better keep your eyes closed in the hallways, 

because I promise you, 

the next time you see him, 

he'll be all over some other girl. 

A little part of you will want to kill her, 

but nobody will blame you for hating her. 

Because aside from the heart-breaker thing, 

he was perfect. 

He was everything you wanted. 

Or maybe you made that up. 

Maybe, the second he started to show interest you made up this perfect guy in your head, 

and it just happened to be him. 

Listen, you will find the perfect guy for you, 

just like everybody says you will, 

and it will be soon. 

Okay, so I didn't believe it either, 

but I'm starting to. 

The most important thing though is don't let him know he hurt you. 

Don't let him know he could have you back in a heartbeat. 

Don't give him the satisfaction. 

Make him think you're completely happy. 

And when he decides to wave at you, 

like nothing ever happened, 

wave back, sure. 

But don't smile. 

Make him think he means as little to you, 

as you obviously meant to him.

Love is this mind blowing concept to me.

And with Valentines day coming up I can't decide whether I hate love,

or I love love..

Either way I can't wait to buy my own box of chocolates and sign my own card,

Luckily it's on a Thursday so it's not like i'll miss out.

I asked my little brother if he'd be my valentine..

He said no.

Rejected by my own blood.

Anyways this is how I feel about love right now.

25 Confessions.

1.I sometimes think I was born in the wrong era.
2. When I was seven I killed my pet bunny by flushing it down the toilet.. I though it wanted a bath. No joke.
3. As much as I call my dog ugly I really do like her.
4. I want to leave Utah and start somewhere new but im absolutely terrified of this world.
5. I have honestly thought about my future a billion times wondering if i'll ever get married.
6. If im 25 and still single Im going on the bachelor.
7. No matter how much I eat I always have room for dessert.
8. I'm always eating. Always.
9. I worry about pleasing others more than myself.
10. If you eat my food and I don't feel like sharing I will cut you.
11. I've secretly wondered if I'll die alone with cats. Like For real.
12. I cried on the night of the Justin Bieber concert because I didn't get to go.
13. If I flirt with you over text and do "" this. Don't ask me to do it in person I look like an idiot.
14. I've never been to an Olive Garden, Texas Roadhouse or Happy Sumo.
15. In elementary Sean Lee gave me my first purse and I started a collection that ended up to 94 purses..
16. I have an alarm set for 11:11 everyday so I don't miss it. Ever. 
17. The meaning of my name is "the dark one; of the devil" I don't think my parents knew that when they named me.
18.In 7th grade I met my best friend.
19. In 8th I hated her. Hi Ally.
20. I absolutely love Halloween, it's my all-time favorite holiday.
21. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much me and my friends truly went through together in 2012.
22. If I could be anyone in the world I really would be Zach Galifinakis. 
23. my favorite part of a relationship is when they are complete strangers and you play those stupid get to know you games. I don't know why.
24. I hope that my first marriage is my only marriage.
25. And my real names Fat Patricia.

And now it's your turn.

Dallas Lyman

Karen Cavalcante

Laura Varella

Tania Mancilla

Elizabeth Velasco

Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. -Peyton Sawyer

Outside Looking In.

You know those days when you feel completely out of place?
Lately that's how I feel and for some reason I feel like I have this huge load of regret on my shoulders, and thinking back to things I don't feel like I shouldn't have any regret to feel..
I mean yes I have a things I wish I wouldn't have done or things I wish I would've but I don't know why they are all haunting me now..
Mostly I wish I could just start over from beginning of senior year.
And wished I would have known how things were gonna work out.
Because I guess I never expected to go through so much..
Or maybe it's just the hormones talking,
because in a way I like where I am now.
I guess I like who I'm becoming but I wish there were certain people in my life still so they could see who I'm becoming and how I am now.
I don't know Im just super confused with myself today.
On the Bright side it's pay day!
And Friday!
Well. That was a weird post.
Good day!

Support Gay Marriage.

I apologize if the language in this video makes you uncomfortable.

But this video made me laugh.

High School In A Nut Shell.

With a little help from Honey Boo-Boo.

(inspired by: Snark and Testimony.) 

Jr. High wasn't horrible but and you look forward to High School because apparently it's way better then Jr. High.

You get all nervous and dressed up to go on your first day:

The mean girls stare you down like this:

please they ain't got nothin on you:

they spread rumors and try to bully you but you defend yourself pretty well:

In class:

your teachers ask you really easy questions and homework like this:

you're gonna Ace that Final:

Finals finally come around you take one look at your test and you're all like:

WHAT?!

You shortly after just give up and sit at your desk like this

till it's over.

Dating:

your about to go on your first date:

on your date you go to dinner,

so you eat with manners but the second your date looks away you're all like..

On The Weekend:

your friends call you to see what your up to:

They say "Let's go to a party!"

so you go get a little crazy..

Monday comes around and you realize you may have partied a little to hard so you just crash:

lights out.

Peer Pressure:

Everyone falls into it and the media starts to influence your future decisions..

You later on Start to think abut your future and decide you want to be a supermodel:

You try to figure out who you are in high school but start doubting yourself:

you start to think things like:

you try to be nice to everyone and make everyone feel good about themselves;

And then at the end of the day your Mom ask you how school went!

This is your reply.

THE END.

Have a great day.