Bittersweet.

I am honestly ready to take on this new chapter in my life.
This past year has straight up just sucked.
I lost so many people this year,
my best friends mom passed away in the beginning of the year,
my cousin committed suicide in September,
and Janet and David were both killed in a motorcycle accident,
after their death that one person i kinda expected to be there for me and let me cry with them wasn't there and frankly he's still M.I.A.
and to top it all off
i got dumped by my first love
the main reason it kills me that I'm not with him anymore is because i didn't want to lose him as friend.
i am so sick of losing people in my life, I'm just done with it.
we don't hate each other, it ended because it was what was best for him.
obviously I'm not okay but as long as he's happy I know I'll be okay.
But at the same time i wish i knew what i did wrong
because if i had the chance i would take it all back.
I'm so confused.
How am i supposed to not talk to him everyday?
But at the same time i feel like.. how am i supposed to trust him again?
I trusted him with my heart as cheesy as that sounds but he broke it.
I mean he's my best friend and will be.
But that fact that he's no longer my boyfriend and I'm not his girlfriend is so weird.
I was use to that for almost a year.
It scares me that i don't know how to act like a friend.
i want to talk to him so bad but he's also the one who hurt me.
everyone says "with time you'll be okay"
everyone also told me that when Janet died and it really hasn't gotten easier.
i know that this break up is what had to happen
and all i can see right now is that it was best for him,
but maybe in the future I'll realize that it was what was best for me too.
i know my heart won't be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
even on my weakest days.
I'm ready to find out who i really am in this cruel world,
ready for college,
ready to live my life,
yay for growing up.

 "Happiness never ends, but sadness does." -Elder Richard G. Scott 

leaning on this quote like crazy.
wish me luck.

Best friends forever.

I'm not really sure where to began. She was my best friend. she still is and always will be. When i go hang out with my friends and people ask who's going i mention her without even realizing it, i text her subconsciously because it was such a habit.My best friend is gone, and there's nothing i can do to bring her back. And David, honestly the most loving human being i have ever met. He was so caring and so loving, always thinking of other before himself.
It's been almost a month since you've both been gone, and not a day goes by that i don't think of you guys.
i still don't understand how or why it all happened.
it hits me every now and then,
and about a week ago was when it really sunk in,
the day that there was none to talk to or be with,
the day i really needed someone and none was around, Janet was.
i was on the computer trying to get my mind off things when i accidentally came across this.
life goes on.
exactly your words.
i don't know why i didn't come across it before? weird. haha in a cheesey cliche kinda way i think i was ment to see it now..
i miss our talks about college, and boys, and how we would be famous one day.
it's so hard to not be able to talk to you when your the one person i need to.
i admit it. i got a little selfish after you left us, everyone was claiming you as their bestfriend.
even the people who didn't like you for no reason, that didn't talk to you and never gave you the time of day.
but even by just seeing your bright and happy smile, everyone fell in love with you!
with you lies so many unanswered questions that i bet a lot of people knew.
me being one of them.
my favorite memory of you and david will always be "commited" because we went through so much and became a cute little family:)
your not gone, you've just stepped into another room.
a room full of loved and lost ones.
and i'll see you soon.
im just not sure when soon is.
say hi to David and Josue for me. 

Bff's for life. Love you Jan Jan. 

"God took back his Angel, In fact he took two. And we need to trust that God knew what to do." -Dallas Lyman

 I sit around and wonder,
and watch the days go by.
I look at all the pictures,
and ask, why did you have to die?

You've always been there for me,
because you were my best friend,
and I was always there for you
until the very end.

But now it's time to let you go,
your spirit now is free.
Even though you won't really be gone,
because you'll live inside of me.

So when we have to leave you
at your resting place,
I will always remember
your smiling, beautiful face.

This is hardly a goodbye,
so I won't weep anymore,
because now you're in better place
then you ever were before.

Even though that I will miss you,
and I'll think about you everyday
you'll always be my best friend,
and that's all I have to say.