This past year has straight up just sucked.
I lost so many people this year,
my best friends mom passed away in the beginning of the year,
my cousin committed suicide in September,
and Janet and David were both killed in a motorcycle accident,
after their death that one person i kinda expected to be there for me and let me cry with them wasn't there and frankly he's still M.I.A.
and to top it all off
i got dumped by my first love
the main reason it kills me that I'm not with him anymore is because i didn't want to lose him as friend.
i am so sick of losing people in my life, I'm just done with it.
we don't hate each other, it ended because it was what was best for him.
obviously I'm not okay but as long as he's happy I know I'll be okay.
But at the same time i wish i knew what i did wrong
because if i had the chance i would take it all back.
I'm so confused.
How am i supposed to not talk to him everyday?
But at the same time i feel like.. how am i supposed to trust him again?
I trusted him with my heart as cheesy as that sounds but he broke it.
I mean he's my best friend and will be.
But that fact that he's no longer my boyfriend and I'm not his girlfriend is so weird.
I was use to that for almost a year.
It scares me that i don't know how to act like a friend.
i want to talk to him so bad but he's also the one who hurt me.
everyone says "with time you'll be okay"
everyone also told me that when Janet died and it really hasn't gotten easier.
i know that this break up is what had to happen
and all i can see right now is that it was best for him,
but maybe in the future I'll realize that it was what was best for me too.
i know my heart won't be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
even on my weakest days.
I'm ready to find out who i really am in this cruel world,
ready for college,
ready to live my life,
yay for growing up.
"Happiness never ends, but sadness does." -Elder Richard G. Scott
leaning on this quote like crazy. wish me luck.
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