More then anything in the world i wish Janet was still here
none really understands what im going through
some days are good
some days are bad,
most of them bad
but when i have good days their actually really good.
like the other day i went to the mall with ally, went to visit an old friend, then went to zupas later for dinner with a few old friends,
it's nice meeting new people and catching up with old friends,
but they all ask the same question,"How are you?"
and unfortunately i realized i can never say "im good"or "great!" the only thing i can convince myself to say is
"Im fine." or "Im okay."
i have these moments were out of the blue i just start to cry and cry and wonder where she really is.
Because if she was still here we'd go to star bucks, or the mall, or stalk people for fun,
either way i would have the company of best friend,
A day ago i made jay a pumpkin! it turned out okay but we went to go deliever it to her, me, beca and liz.
Liz was driving jays car and i sat in the back that was the last place i saw her and where we held our last conversation,
it was overwhelming.
and i love having liz over at my house all the time,
i use to think her and Janet were completely two different people, but everyday i see more of jay in her.
when liz pulls up in front of our house she parks exactly where jay use to park, the first time i saw her drive the car it made me happy because for some reason i thought jay would get out and walk in like no big deal.
it got my hopes up.
i know i had nothing to do with her and Davids death but i feel sorta responsible because i knew she was sneaking out that night and i didn't do anything to stop her.
if i could change something that night, i would have told her not to go on that bike ride.
because if she was here things would be so different.
I miss you jay, i can't wait to see you again.
